This morning I received an email that just made me smile from ear to ear. My lovely bestie that is still in Qatar sent me this message to let me know how much she misses our tea time.
I miss it more and I miss you!!!
Tea has become my f-ing vodka
May 30, 2012
Closing circles and healing
May 19, 2012
Today I broke out in tears while typing to my friend Kristen over skype.
Last night I had a dream that I had given birth to this beautiful baby, but there was no father to the child, because I hadn’t had any sexual relations with anyone to conceive this child. In the dream I was homeless and unsure what I was going to do, but I knew that I would care for this child no matter what.
A few days ago in yoga class, the yoga teacher had us perform this exercise where we sat down and held certain fingers together and focused on our inner child and nuturing that inner child, telling that child how much she is loved by the adult that she has become. Well, for some odd reason I had a difficult time on this doing this. My hands started to shake and I had no control over them, I wanted to cry, I felt completely uncomfortable and I tried to not let it show while keeping a fake smile on my face all while closing my eyes and shifting around on my booty.
Well, I knew that my inner child was not feeling the love, and as far as protection was concerned, well, I’d been questioning my own decisions making abilities lately and not feeling like I had made all the right deciscions when it came to personal safety and career wise.
I’m thinking last night’s dream had a lot to do with these inner concerns that I have been having and the exercise we performed allowed me to dig deeper into my emotional state of mind and whats going on inside of me.
So this morning I woke up feeling very irritable and it was like that inner child in me was acting out and she wanted me to know that she was not happy with my current state… I felt like i was going to blow up inside. My inner child was throwing a tantrum. She cried, she kicked she blamed, cried herself to sleep woke back up wrestled around more. Finally after spending all the morning and afternoon in the bed, the adult in me said its time to take control and complete responsiblity of the situation.
Look outside the box! Look beyond those invisible limitations and look at the impossible and realize that all even the craziest dream is possible!
My inner child felt unsafe and it didn’t help that I had all kinds of folks in my ear telling me to do this do that, and the sadess part was I was willing to do this or that just to make them feel good about me!
No!!!
I do not have comprimise my happiness or my truth to make others feel comfortable with who I am and how I desire to live my life. No I do not have to make other feel proud of me and comprimise my happiness to feel accepted. I’m disappointed that I was willing to go back down a path, I had recently abandon, take another job that I knew in my heart, mind, and soul is not right for me. I was willing some months ago to take the change and fight the fight, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I have not even put in a fight yet, and a part of me is wanting to give up and throw in the towel. All because I was feeling uncomfortable with people looking at me in a certain way? Or was I just not pleased with myself an unaccepting of my current situation at the moment? In actuality it has nothing to do with other and how they see me, its about how I see myself and accept myself. Its time I stop shifting the blame in all areas of my life; accept and be loving and nurturing.
I’m in a place that I do not like but i know its all apart of the process, and I am where I am suppose to be, God is really looking after me I just have to be grateful, calm, and aware.
I got out of bed went into the bathroom took a shower got dressed and got down on my knees and prayed. I grabbed my journal and my book and went outside and layed on my son’s trampeline, first I just layed there and looked up thru the trees and watched the clouds pass by. The first thing i did see when i looked up at the clouds was a cloud in the shape of an angel! There was my sign I was looking for!!! I wish I had my camera so I could capture the moment and post it, then I realized the moment was captured in my heart and I didn’t have to take a picure and upload it to instagram for the world to see, because the world is inside my heart.
I sat out there for some hours just reading and breathing fresh clean air and listening to my son mow the lawn. Life felt perfect and I was reminded that I am where I am suppose to be right now.
IT WAS DELICIOUS!
Breaking away from attatchments
Due to my addictive behavior gone wild yesterday I’ve chosen to lay off the coffee (caffeine) for a while.
I admitt i became woman Hulk; the beast was exposed!
Yesterday i had my entire day planned out and it was going to start with a beautiful cup of coffee at starbucks, and end with a beatiful cup at starbucks; a day of surfing the net for jobs and making phone contacts! Well, it didn’t go as planned, rather i found myself riding around all day in a freezing truck, i preferr natral air, once i mentioned i was cold then it became stuffy no air but rolled up windows, also i was hungry, thirsty, and extremely upset from not having my morning coffee, and watching us pass by starbucks twice but not making the attempt to stop at the drive through to satisfy my itch!
Soon as i returned to the house i found myself venting mean angry things via status updates on facebook! Oh yeah my Beast had been released and facebook friends and family felt her wrath via words!
A dear friend casually mentioned to me that it seemed like i might have an addiction and i might want to lay off the coffee for a while. My first reaction was HOW DARE SHE TRY TO LURE ME INTO BETRAYING THE goddess of caffeine!! Haram!! Then that better being in me said take a rest Marie and chill!
So tea and water it is 
I saw these cute tea cups on T2tea facebook site and i thought how cute it would be to drink from these cups today.
Check out these cute lityle turkish-delight cups here
Today’s Prayer
May 10, 2012
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
–Reinhold Niebuhr
Cafe Americano
Today is my son’s 12th birthday. I’m feeling a little melancholy i’ve missed so many birthdays due to being far away. I’ve returned back to the states and I’m currently here in Alabama where he resides with his father. I am blessed to be able to spend this time with him, but I’m not willing to sacrifice and stay here in small town Anniston or the south not even in the United States to be close to my son.
Where are my motherly characteristic? Am I just plain selfish? Why do I feel the need to live abroad? I’m enjoying the calmness and nature of the country side. Its pure joy waking up every morning and seeing my son’s beautiful smile and bright brown eyes! Why does something inside my soul feels discomfort being down here in the country, why does his father make me feel unsafe in my very own skin?
I wish I was able to pack up my son and take him with me, but I’m reminded that life isn’t always that simple, and there are some choices Imade in the past that I have to live with in the present.
Tye I Love you will all my God, heart, and soul. Happy 12th Birthday!
some men choose both!
April 24, 2012
picture from Tea for Ten
I came across this informative video on Google+ Produced by the Chinese-American Tea Association.
Today’s drink of choice is Lipton tea with two small spoons of brown sugar.
This morning I woke up feeling a little on the lazy side, reminder to self no eating two large slices of pizza and watching trash tv before bed!
I feel so guilty for not being at work like the rest of society’s hard-working class.
Reality check to myself, there is no longer a constant flow of cash that will be deposited into my bank account bi-weekly.
I can’t visit a coffee shop like I use to do when I lived in Qatar! I want to slowly adjust to life back in the USA after living overseas for more than fourteen years.
I’ve had some family and friends mention to me that I should get this job get that job, mainly because it offers this benefit or because it is what I use to do in my previous jobs.
Well, I hated what I did, in my previous jobs! I don’t want to go out and grab another job just to either get laid off, quit, or get fired, because I am not giving it 100% of what I have to give.
To be honest, I’m not even sure where I want to reside at the moment. I’m trying to remain focus and watch for the signs. But its something about that cold ass rainy weather outside, the pain in my tailbone, and bland Lipton tea i’m sipping on is making me feel un-motivated, un-usual guilt, and blah.
I started writing novel #4 or maybe its #5 a few weeks ago; of course like all the rest of them I have stopped and found everything else to do besides writing or at least update my resume like i should be doing.
I’m screaming where in my head and heart! “Where the Hell is my MOTIVATION”!
Am I complaining, am I feeling guilty for sitting on this sofa and eating burnt toast? Yes, will I do something about it?
I need a tea that gives motivation!
Inshallah!!!
